So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
