someone threw a dead crab at me
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Vodka?
Forever.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
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