Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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