Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
