went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
