it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
