i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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