you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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