you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
