well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
