Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
