connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
