She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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