I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
