I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I haven't been this sober since birth.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
