The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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