Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
