so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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