sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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