we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Dicks are not precious.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
