yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
