Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
