I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
