i would punch a child for taco bell
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
