Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
