I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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