my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
