Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
