He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Randomize
