Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
