She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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