You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
