apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
