i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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