dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
