Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
