my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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