I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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