was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
