She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Every concussion has its silver lining
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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