Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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