He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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