I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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