i think my tv is drunk
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
