so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
