Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
