i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
