Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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