last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
