Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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