Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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