last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
